Dafe! What are you doing to yourself?! What am I doing to myself? I’m tired of imagining vain things. I’m tired of believing in something I know will never happen. I’m tired of living in a fairytale. Do you know how many times I’ve heard the words “the right woman will come soon?” Well… I think mine must have been hit by a bus because it seems like my own doesn’t want to come. I’ve spent days and weeks hoping she would come back to her senses. Who exactly did I offend? At times when I sit and think about the peace I’m being deprived of… Or maybe, just maybe having a woman around isn’t a necessity at all. What if this was society’s scheme to trick me into believing that women are indeed walking beings void of common sense? Could I blame Abena for walking out on me? I can’t even fault her. The thought of losing her shatters my heart. Nevertheless I lay here next to someone else wondering if she’s human at all. Does this one even have sense? How do you sleep with a man you barely even know? Oh before I met Abena, I never thought of it this way. To me sex was a thing of the moment. Pull in and pull out right on time. For every good day, there was a booty call. I had fun and I sincerely believed I was happy. But then Abena walked into my life and made me see things from a whole new angle. She made me realise that pleasure doesn’t equal happiness. Her smile could light up my world in a moment of darkness. Her body made me forget I had work to attend to. And her words were deep for her age. Most times I even felt I was talking to my mother because her wisdom surpassed my understanding. Where exactly did it go wrong?
When my day was rough I could count on Abena to be there. Especially during the summer when she had no classes to attend to. She would clean my place before I returned home. Sometimes I’d be surprised to see her at my place forgetting I had given her the keys. And there she was in her blue body fitting maxi dress, standing in the kitchen cooking a piece of delight for me. Oh! Abena cooked like a scientist looking for the latest discovery. She made something out of nothing. I truly believed chivalry was dead till I met her. Although I didn’t like the idea of her doing this… She would upload a picture of me on her profile page and caption it with a long touching message every now and then. I wasn’t even worth it but she loved me regardless. I loved her because I knew her feelings stick. I loved her because of the complexity and simplicity of her mind. I loved because she was so fragile. Where did I go wrong? If only I was a little patient…maybe things would have been different.
Abena hated fights. And sometimes she would just keep quiet till her anger cooled down. She didn’t like arguing. She was always there but never pushy or too clingy. When I was watching a match with the boys, she didn’t bother me. And even when I was late for our dates because of sports reports, she didn’t burst out in anger. She was enduring and gentle. A quality which few women possess…true gentleness. I loved her because she didn’t talk too much but when she spoke, her words carried weight. I loved her because her emotions laid uncovered before me. I loved her because she was beautiful. I loved her because she was unique. How could I let something so precious slip out of my hands? Just…how?
Abena… Her eyes spoke words her tongue couldn’t pronounce. Certainly during and after we made love. She didn’t try to please me, she let herself go. I always knew she was a freak hiding behind the curtain of chastity. It took a while… But her body screamed passion, love and lust all in one. When I ran my fingers on her body… So soft. The softness and tenderness of her body depicted the fragility of her mind. It was unbelievable. I didn’t want her to change anything about herself. She was so perfect in my eyes. And when we were done… She would stare at me. That mind cracking after-sex look of hers… She gave me her all on a platter of gold. I loved her because when she woke me up, I could see the love in her eyes. That sun kissed caramel skin…I loved her because she was naturally herself. I loved her because she was unique in every sense of the word. Now I know where I went wrong… I do know where it went wrong.
I should have been patient and read between the lines. I should have known that she wasn’t okay even when she said she was. I should have understood that nothing good truly comes easy. As a matter of fact, I should have fought for her. I thought she was seeing someone else. I was listening to my guys. I was listening to everybody else and my head but I forgot my heart had something to say too. I should have picked up that call… Gosh, I should have. But I ignored her texts. I ignored her calls. I didn’t even know she was dying. I didn’t even know she didn’t have a good heart and her days were numbered. I was wondering why she decided to return to Ghana. Little did I know she would return in a coffin.
I lost a good woman because I was too busy trying to be a man that doesn’t feel pain. I could have held her hand through the process. Instead I made her cry and droll over me. I gave her heartaches and I even disrespected her in front of her friends. I mistook pleasure for happiness and it cost me the one woman who would have been the perfect life partner for me.
9 months later…I’m tired of imagining her being in my arms. I’m tired of imagining her being in my kitchen and carrying my child. I’m tired of this fairy tale.
No one can replace Abena because she had a good and loving heart.
As a matter of fact… She was too good for me.
– The Alpha Female
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